UPDATE:  I found a video on Buzzfeed that perfectly demonstrates how I feel about this situation.

So as I move forward in the search for Man TBD, I’ve taken a detour and I’ve gone on some decent first dates.  Two of the gentlemen won’t be on the dance card anymore–one with a text break-it-off (I was recipient, but feeling was mutual so it was perfect!) and one with a technical ghosting from the guy (though I saw it coming and wasn’t invested so I don’t quite care).  None of the dates have resulted in particularly interesting blog stories and the two that have remained on the roster are quite frankly so nice I can’t imagine I’d have the heart to put them on here.  I guess unless one becomes the next former Man TBD and I’m wallowing.

There is a light snow in Boston today, the kind that is romantic because it’s not accumulating and it’s slowly floating down like it’s settling in a snow globe.  I’m working from home, so I’m extra inclined to get lost in thoughts.

And… My thoughts led back to Him #1.  Try as I might, I do miss him.  And I don’t want to sound like a desperate psycho because I have never actually been this hung up on a guy from online before, but I’m having a lot of trouble letting go.    The main problem is that he is one of two men that I’ve dated that I had an instant attraction to–like getting hit with a thunderbolt.  I guess it’s love at first sight, though I don’t think it was love per se.   I dated the first one (the Original Him?) longer, I was much younger, and it look a much longer time for me to get over him.  I often take time to warm up to people (including in non-romantic settings) so I guess I’m more fascinated by the phenomenon and perhaps put too much weight on it.

Anyways, my innate and tenacious curiosity combined with the romantic movie scene snow could not be resisted and I sent the following message:

[Him #1],

I told you once that I’m curious like a cat and it gets me in trouble some times… So here I go again. I guess I’m just curious if we could have worked out. I felt an instant and electric connection to you (which may have been one-sided and quite frankly scared the shit out of me–it has only ever happened with one other guy) which is why I’m struggling to let go completely and I think it led me to get too caught up in my head instead of just enjoying the process of getting to know you. I wanted to tell you all this on [the date we set up, but I ended things before it happened], but I guess I just freaked out a bit. And now I’m writing to you [through the dating site we met] in the hopes that you’ve blocked me and won’t get it haha.

Some things are hard to say :-/

Even if there was no way we could have worked out, I’m so thankful that you reminded me that dating can be exciting and fun–I always came and went on [the dating site] every few months as a chore, would go on a few dates, and lose interest completely when I got busy at work. I hope you realize that I so appreciated your thoughtfulness and warmth in our daily conversations. Even before I met you in person, you put a smile on my face day after day.

Anyways, I hope you find that woman who can take your mind off [work] and that you keep succeeding [at work]. I don’t know anything about [your job], but I can tell by how you talk about it that you are so passionate and caring that I’m sure you are really excellent at it.

Take care,
[30withcats]

I don’t know exactly what I hope to gain from this message.  Closure?  [I mean let’s be honest, I’d like a I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH AND I WANT TO DATE YOU AGAIN! But let’s be realistic, here.]

I guess I feel partially that since I left it with an open invitation for him to contact me in the future, I was pushing myself too quickly get into a relationship with someone only compatible enough so that I could feel more open to leave that relationship if Him #1 resurfaced.  I don’t think that’s healthy.  In fact, I think I may play out the remaining two and then take a break for a small bit.