We all have different goals in life.  Many of us have several and several of mine come to mind: I would like to find a way to have a career that I love that allows a bit more balance in life, I’d like to re-learn how to play the piano, and I’d like to find “Man TBD.”  Man TBD is your vacation buddy, the guy that is your plus-one, the guy you snuggle with when you’re cold, the guy that has his own life and goals and wants you as a true partner, the guy that reminds you that even though the partner yelled at you unfairly, he’s an ass and you’re a good attorney!  I could go on, but I’m beginning to swoon and I digress.

Every once in a blue moon, I get butterflies in my stomach that I might have found Man TBD!  This happened to me recently and it took me by surprise to be honest.  I fell fast and hard for this funny, warm, somewhat shy, and attractive man who messaged me online.   He seemed so into me and I reciprocated.  I was legitimately excited to get his texts.  My friends knew he was texting me because I got this big grin on my face.  It had actually been a long time since I had taken dating seriously and I even longer since I’d been excited.  [More on reasons why in future posts, I’m sure.]  For the purposes of this blog, let’s call him: Him #1.

I met Him #1 online (perhaps that’s obvious) and I liked him off the bat. He was very communicative over text and I was having a good time texting him.   Due to the timing of when he initiated contact, we texted for a week before our first date.  It was a fun week!  He seemed like a genuinely nice guy!  He had interests that were new to me, but he was so passionate about them and I found it very intriguing!  I like to learn new things and I liked how he had a full-filling life.  I thought we were looking for the same thing.

On our first date, I had somewhat limited expectations that he would be a real person, but I was excited–you can always fill in the blanks with assumptions before you meet someone.  To my surprise, he was real and much cuter than his pictures online!  We talked for a few hours over lunch.  Towards the end, all I wanted to do was kiss him.  He took me home and we had an epic first kiss at my doorstep.  We’re talking, light hair pull, pushing me against the side of the house, romance novel epic.  I don’t know how I resisted inviting him up–actually my house was a mess and I hadn’t shaved my legs.  That’s how.   He texted immediately when he got home to tell me that he had had a great time–we had set up a date for Friday before he left my house and we were both excitedly talking about it.

It seemed to go well from there, until it didn’t.

(I’m not in a place where gushing about the good times seems like a good idea.)  A few weeks into our… thing.., his schedule changed at work.  Being a workaholic, I can totally understand being busy with work and prioritizing work so I took his comments at face value.  Maybe that was my first problem?  He said he liked me.  He said he’d like to get together, but he just needed some flexibility.  He didn’t mean for it to sound like he just wanted to see me when it was convenient, he said.  He used the “R” word–relationship–to describe our…thing…  Had I been wrong to question his “busy”?  Was he serious about me, but really needed some flexibility during this transition?  I could do that!  I could be supportive!  We scheduled a date for a few weeks in the future for when his schedule (and truthfully mine) would allow.  I was ok with that plan and somehow him telling me that he was busy made me feel like he was inviting me deeper into his life.  I can’t even look at that sentence without cringing, but it’s true.

Then it started to go downhill.  Less communication.  Less “Good Morning” texts.  Less questions about my day.  No enthusiasm reciprocated when I mentioned a silly countdown to our date.  But he still said he liked me.   Eventually after four days of silence, followed by a lukewarm conversation initiated by me, I initiated the break-it-off (in my mind the ….thing….hadn’t evolved to the level where we could have a real break-up, which isn’t to say I wasn’t sad and hurt).  He responded to say that based on his new work schedule that he didn’t think “it was something he had enough time to put in with [me], unfortunately”.  I was sad, but, truthfully, I knew it had been coming for a few weeks.

I thought about what I did wrong (because obviously I had done something wrong! He had liked me after all!  Love is all you need!).  I eventually told him that I was open to seeing him again in the future if he thought he had more time and I was available.  I was also still game to meet for coffee (i.e. actually talk) on the day we set up our date!  He said he’d keep it in mind, which is actually more of a response than I expected.

I thought more about what I did wrong.  Was I open enough with my feelings?  Was just responding to a “Good Morning” text with a “Good Morning, [Him #1] :)” enough to convey that I really appreciated him reaching out to me? I was smiling IRL, but does a smiley face convey that adequately?  Did I sound needy and desperate by merely trying to schedule him into my busy life?  Should I have played harder to get? (Whatever that means) Should I have walked away the first time I confronted him about the schedule and he said he needed flexibility?  Would any of it have mattered? Can we talk about what happened in person to just see if there is any hope? Where did the insecurity come from?  Was I right to sometimes feel like I wasn’t his first choice?

In hindsight, I think the answer to that last one is likely yes.  (And I also think the timing was generally bad–it would have taken a fair bit of work to make it work and though I was game, he apparently was not.  I do think I let my insecurities show a bit too much too soon, but I’ll work on that.)

A week or two after we broke-it-off, he began flirty tweeting another girl (which I take to mean there is something more going on due to their geographic proximity, but friends disagree.  Ultimately, it doesn’t matter).  My heart sank to my stomach.  He, apparently, has time.  Same schedule, but now there is time to date!  Magic!  The crazy angry texts flashed in my mind:

Looks like you found some time after all. #SendMyLoveToYourNewLover #OverIt #IKnewIWasNeverYour1stChoice #I’mFuckingAwesome  #HonestyIsSexy #Don’tLookMeUpInTheFuture #MicDrop

(As a side note, I tend to only talk in hashtags when I’m mad, what’s that about..back to the regularly scheduled post:)  I knew I wouldn’t actually send the texts (and, if I was, I would have spent a lot more time making them far wittier and punchier than the above) so I decided to blog instead.  It’s been helpful for making me think more about the situation and maintain some semblance of reason.  I guess it’s helpful to express myself in print, and I also like to do so in song.  SO, before there was Adele for man-trouble, there was Fiona Apple:

I thought you were a dove, Him #1, but you were just a paper bag.

Now, an eagle eyed reader would have caught in the paragraph above I have continued to engage in cyberstalking Him#1 to get insight into his life.  That is a very bad habit that does not lead anywhere positive and I have to break it.  Damn you technology!   “Hunger hurts, but starving works”…. I hope you’re right, Fiona.

I take pride in the fact that, at work, I tend not to make the same mistake more than once.  It’s been mentioned in my reviews so I have some feedback that it’s true.  I try very hard to learn a lesson from a mistake, not beat myself up over not knowing the correct path before I had an experience, and move on with the knowledge to improve next time.  There is no logical reason why that can’t be applied to my personal life, but I just haven’t seem to have committed to it.  I going to try now.  New Year’s Resolution?

The thing with Him #1 didn’t work.  These things don’t always work.  “He is too busy” may just always be a cop out for he’s not super interested.  If it doesn’t always mean that, it very likely will mean that.  I shall remember!  Ultimately, I want to be caring and supportive, but I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t really into me, so it’s actually a gift from the person I’m falling for to see that they aren’t super into me.  I’m actually pretty awesome!  🙂  I’m honest, warm, caring, smart, funny, kinda cute, passionate, and ambitious. Man TBD needs to appreciate that.

Take us out, Prince Royce:

Ain’t nothing fake on me, I’m soo soo real.  I’m going to make the next one earn my affection and try not to fall so hard so fast.  Not for his sake, but for my own sanity.  Ok… that’s not quite how the song goes, but you get it.

P.S. I have purchased each of the songs above for my personal use and would encourage you to do the same if you like!

P.P.S.  I am in love with a pop dance class at the gym and we have a dance to “Back It Up”.  I think it’s my current favorite.  I can’t listen to the song anywhere without the urge to bust out the choreographed moves.  And alone in the kitchen, you better believe that I do!